Things I wish I’d known

“Three years ago I had a breakdown which resulted in me starting trauma informed therapy, through which I was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and Obsessive Compulsive Tendencies. 

Over the past three years I have learned a lot, felt a heck of a lot more and when I look back on it all I can’t help but recall how lonely it’s been. How the silence from society when your world falls apart amplifies everything that already hurts. So, I wrote this; things I wish I’d known. Things I hope that can be of help or comfort to those who feel hopeless in the face of C-PTSD or PTSD. Please know and remember that even when your brain is loud or tells you otherwise that you matter and that you deserve peace, love, community and safety. Human beings need those things. You are a human too. Do not forget your own humanity.

Apply nuance to everything

Right off the bat, you live in your body. You are the expert. You know yourself better than any professional and if a technique or tool you have been recommended isn’t working for you, that is not a failure on your part. It’s just simply not for you. For example, I hate 4-4-4 breathing. It makes me feel so claustrophobic but online it was heralded as a wonder and for some it probably is, but for me it’s not. Turns out I much prefer 4-7-8. You’re allowed to try multiple different techniques until you find something that works for you. There is no one size fits all way to regulate a body.

Nervous System Regulation

When my C-PTSD really erupted in 2023 it felt like I was going crazy. I couldn’t understand what was happening or why. You can logically know that your trauma isn’t happening again but understanding the science behind trauma responses was a game changer for me. Learning about the nervous systems, what their roles are in your body, how they react under trauma and what regulates these responses allowed me to get some autonomy back. Over time I was able to learn cues and signals from my body, what helped and what didn’t. It’s still a learning process and probably always will be but three years on I have a pretty solid grasp on how best to help myself and that is a massive relief.

Coping strategies

Have something you can utilise in any moment wherever you are if your C-PTSD/PTSD starts to activate. For me that’s breathing exercises and essential oils. Don’t worry I’m not about to say these things are a cure. They’re not. But they do help me immensely as they engage my senses and take me out of the activation or trigger and ground me back into the present. Having things that help you and bring you comfort in my experience does make navigating the world with C-PTSD that wee bit easier. When you often feel like things are out of your control, having a few tools and techniques at your disposal really can make the world of difference.

Healing takes time

This is an annoying truth that I wish wasn’t so but please know that if your trauma went on for a long time that doesn’t mean that healing and regulating will take the same amount. It can take your body a while to understand that it’s safe but if you are continuously showing your body that it is safe, through breathing exercises, therapy or whatever tools you have at your disposal you will be amazed at how much space will open up in your body as terror starts to shrink and safety blooms. A lot of the work you are doing will not be for who you are right now, but who you innately are, trauma aside. Your future self will be so grateful for everything you are doing and trying. I promise you that.

Change how you view C-PTSD/PTSD

C-PTSD/PTSD is a disorder. It causes much disorder and disruption in my life but there is nothing disordered about what my body or your body did to survive. I think of C-PTSD as an alarm system. The problem does not lie in the alarm activating, it was programmed to. The problem lies in the fact that it does not have the programming to turn off and that problem is a societal failing rather than an individual one. Your body is not broken. Survival mechanisms fight, flight, fawn, freeze and flop are what have allowed humanity to survive and evolve. Our bodies know how to survive and they know how to live. Sometimes with the latter we need to help our bodies remember.

Bravery

You have been brave for a long time. Even if bravery isn’t a word you’d use to describe yourself, you are brave and I wish you a lifetime of softness. Sometimes being brave is something you have to do to get through something horrible. Other times it’s something you can use to start learning how to live again. The bravery you had to develop can be used in areas of your life that you want to develop. It’s scary and it’s hard going after things that you love or care about but you are more than capable and deserving. Being brave doesn’t always mean being the typical fantasy hero-esq figure. Sometimes it means doing something you love or care about with a shakey voice and shakey hands.

You can not heal alone

Another hard truth and one that I’m still working on. Humans need community and connection, through good times and bad. We all deserve connection and to genuinely express how we feel. It’s hard to do and I’m not saying you have to go all in and tell everyone in your life everything that’s happened to you but maybe you could start with a question like, “I have C-PTSD and I’m struggling with it can I talk to you about it?” Or if you’re really struggling with social interactions you could try finding online communities and resources that way. Just remember that you are not alone and if you feel like you are please know that there is a table out there with a seat for you. Sometimes it takes a while to find but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.

You can not heal yourself the way you were hurt

It may feel weird to be gentle or patient with yourself. It may feel weird to show yourself understanding or grace but what you’ve been taught and what you deserve are two different things. If you’ve felt alone in your trauma you cannot keep it in the dark as you start to heal. Express it in whatever way feels comfortable and safe for you. Through a creative outlet, therapy, exercise, talking to a friend, being in nature etc. Let the light in and let it in gently. Healing takes time and if you don’t know how to be gentle with yourself that’s something you can learn. You deserve softness and to be soothed throughout healing.

There is so much more I could say and want to say, but for fear of overloading or overwhelming I’ll leave it here. Please, just remember that you matter and that even if you feel lost and don’t know who you are anymore, who you really are is still inside of you. It might take a while to find yourself again but when you do, when you finally come home, you’ll understand me when I say that all the hard work to get here was worth it. 

Before I go let me remind you that you deserve gentleness, peace, safety and love from those around you and yourself. Every emotion has a beginning, a middle and an end and you are whole as you are. You are enough.

Be gentle with yourself and take care,

Hannah 🩷”