Adoption

“I am a 64-year-old adoptee who was adopted at six weeks old. I was brought up in a loving middle-class family, went to university and am now happily married with two beautiful grown-up daughters. So what’s the problem?

The problem is that all my life I have been in and out of therapy in an ongoing quest for what can best be described as ‘peace’ and ‘contentment’ with issues which include low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. It has seemed like a never-ending (and expensive) search for some sort of Holy Grail which I will never find.

That all changed recently when I stumbled upon the work of Paul Sunderland, an addiction therapist.  Paul Sunderland has been giving talks for many years on the neuroscience and physiology of ‘relinquishment’ (the term he prefers over ‘adoption’) whereby the separation of a baby from his/her birth mother is a form of complex trauma, potentially impacting the baby’s developing brain and nervous system. In his role as a clinician he has seen adoptees, particularly those in their 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s, over-represented in addiction and suicide statistics (adoptees are 35 x more likely to attempt suicide than their non-adoptee counterparts) and presenting with severe depression, yet on the surface functioning perfectly well. His reference to catastrophic thinking (tick), low self-esteem (tick), co-dependency (tick), people-pleasing (tick) and masking (big tick!), plus other consequent and life-long symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) was a light-bulb moment for me, and for many other adoptees I have met since. Watching the powerful 2020 documentary ‘Reckoning with the Primal Wound’ reminded me that I bought Nancy Verrier’s 1993 book The Primal Wound twenty years ago, but never read it at the time (which in itself may be telling). Many adoptees talk about being ‘in the fog’ for much of their lives – believing the positive adoption narrative, often with no pre-adoption history, and issues which impact on daily living but seemingly have no tangible cause – and it saddens me that these insights are not more widely known. My adoption was a subject that could not be openly discussed at home, which potentially compounded the trauma and resulted in many of the issues I have sought help with therapy ever since, yet not once in 40+ years did a professional attribute my problems to being adopted. Conversely, death of a parent qualifies as an Adverse Childhood Experience (or ACE) and a cause of toxic stress, yet being relinquished at birth does not.

It’s possible that some adoptees have never tried to find out about, or meet, their birth families, but there are many reasons why this may be the case. It’s also clear that others have suffered severe, far more tangible trauma in their adoptive families or have had unsuccessful reunions with birth parents which further compounds feelings of rejection. It is a constant source of guilt for me that, compared to many others, I had loving adoptive parents, a positive reunion with my birth mother and her family, and now have a relationship with other relatives on my birth father’s side. Yet despite all of this, I still struggle on a daily basis.

The consequence of these recent revelations at the age of 64 feels monumental. I am at the beginning of a new journey, with the support of a trauma-informed therapist, which has so far raised more questions than answers, and has left me feeling as though the ground has been pulled from underneath me. It’s helpful to have a recent psychiatric diagnosis of C-PTSD which explains so many of my issues, although sad that this felt necessary for my feelings to be validated. Having researched adoptees and C-PTSD over the last few months it is disheartening to see the lack of research, despite current knowledge around the neuroscience & physiology of pregnancy and birth (as detailed in the podcast series Child on BBC Sounds) and the earlier work of advocates like Nancy Verrier and Paul Sunderland. This may be in part due to the relatively recent acceptance of C-PTSD as a stand-alone diagnosis, and the campaigning for a more specific DTD (Developmental Trauma Disorder) diagnosis relating to the complex trauma experienced by children and adolescents. In fact it would be even more helpful to have a ‘relinquishment trauma’ diagnosis to signify trauma from birth and the first few weeks/months of life whereby a baby starts life with a traumatised nervous system. I suspect many adoptees who struggle with the lifelong impact of trauma have been misdiagnosed with anxiety or depression, given the lack of awareness in mental health services, and the absence of funded support. There is also a strong link with ADHD.

It’s hard to articulate to biologically born adults the impact of being adopted. Perhaps the most obvious aspects are the absence of genetic information (you’d be surprised how often you are asked whether there’s any family history of a health condition), the lack of any visual resemblance to adoptive parents or siblings, and a void when it comes to the characteristics of extended family. But the idea that the very act of adoption might be a form of complex trauma for a child from birth and the first few weeks of life presents a whole new set of challenges and I am now questioning its impact on my identity and on all aspects of my life, past and present. It’s compounded by a general lack of awareness and support and a long-standing societal attitude in the 60s (when I was adopted) that adoption was a positive solution for all three adoption parties: birth mother, adoptive parents and adoptee. There is increasing recognition of the historical issues around mother and baby homes and the pressure and stigma that hundreds of thousands of unmarried mothers faced, with an estimated 185,000 babies of unmarried parents adopted in England and Wales between 1949–73[1]. Yet there is little recognition of the impact on the babies – now older adults – that were adopted, fostered or placed in care, despite growing evidence of the potential prevalence of C-PTSD. I wonder how many of those 185,000 babies – and others who have been adopted before and since – have struggled and would meet this diagnosis? For more information, visit How To Be Adopted, and FB groups such as the Adult Adoptee Movement UK.”

We just want to add that birth mothers, too, can carry profound and lasting trauma as a result of relinquishment – often without recognition or support. Research points to high rates of grief, depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and C-PTSD among birth mothers, yet this remains one of the most overlooked areas in trauma care.

PLEASE NOTE: It’s important to recognise that not everyone who is adopted will experience trauma in this way, just as not everyone who goes through a traumatic event will develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or C-PTSD. Every person’s experience is unique, shaped by a wide range of factors including relationships, environment, and support. For many people, adoption is a positive and loving experience. This piece is not about generalising or assigning blame, but about raising awareness of an often-overlooked perspective – so that those who do recognise themselves in these experiences can feel seen, understood, and better supported.